Jeopardy ended and it was time for my husband to take his father home. We exchanged goodnights and I thumbed through social media posts until he returned. After a few minutes my husband walked in, closed the door, let out a huff then explained how his Dad was harping on a subject which left my husband wanting to give him a piece of his mind. Instead of trying to diffuse the anger he was feeling I started to side with him and roll my eyes as he continued on about the topic his father was harping on. I was tired and began to get angry at the disruption this had caused on what was supposed to be a nice quiet evening.
As I began giving my opinion on the problem his father had created I saw a white piece of paper folded on the couch cushion where he was sitting. With frustration still on my tongue I walked over, picked it up then read the words that brought shame and broke my heart where I stood. I immediately stopped mid complaint and I read the sentence aloud to my husband. “I want to buy an anniversary gift for Rachel’s parents”. My tone softened, I was humbled and the tears began to flow. This wasn’t just a typical reminder note. This was a sentence he didn’t want to forget to say to us and I was reminded of the mental battles he struggles with everyday.
His memory has been deteriorating and his cognitive skills have been lessening over the last several years. We have repetitive conversations daily and sometimes he can’t grasp or understand things the way they are meant. He has difficulty keeping dates straight in his mind and will ask the same question several times within a 30-60 minute period. He has no new stories to tell and most conversations lead back to a story we have heard more times than I can count. He no longer lives out his days with purpose nor does he feel useful, instead he passes the time with daily routine and limited activity. I’ve watched his confidence decrease and his insecurity increase with each year that has passed. Although he is aware of his memory struggles, he doesn’t realize just how bad things have gotten.
Shortly after I read my father in law’s note, I pushed through the tears to tell my husband it reminded me of how things started with his mother’s Alzheimer’s. I explained how bad I felt and how overwhelming dealing with everything has been. We lost my husband’s Mom in May then his Dad’s mental state seemed to decrease more. You go through so many emotions when caring for those with dementia or Alzheimer’s. Frustrations arise, issues you can’t control, the same conversations, censoring yourself so you don’t create more confusion or questions, holding back when you want to say more, the patience you lack, and the selfishness of your thoughts—it becomes exhausting.
I realized that day it wasn’t my father in law who was creating the problem. My perspective, my attitude and essentially my heart was the problem and it all needed to change. I needed to be humbled in order to find grace again. I needed my heart to be broken in order to stop my selfish complaining. The saddest part of all of this is while I’m so focused on the forgetfulness in my father in law, most days, I am forgetting too. I’m forgetting the character of the man I’m quick to criticize or judge. I’m forgetting how sweet, forgiving and thoughtful he is. I’m forgetting that his bride of 63 years went to be with the Lord this past May and he’s lonely. I’m forgetting his memory loss and insecurities are burdening him too, and I’m forgetting although his mind falters he is still the man I used to call and cry to when I needed godly advice.
The Lord uses simple things like a note to stop me in my tracks and remind me of all the things I’m overlooking. Oh friends, how reading that sentence broke me. God knew I needed to reset, it wasn’t a coincidence the note fell from his pocket and landed within view on my couch. I don’t want to lose my compassion because I’m giving in to anger. I don’t want to judge before I listen, speak before I understand and lose perspective because I fail to see. I can’t let my selfishness override my servant heart. God’s grace always meets me right where I am. His truth brings light onto a dark path and gives me hope. I don’t always get it right with my father in law. I usually see the mess before I see God’s message but I’m thankful for those moments He humbles me and builds me up again.
Lord, thank you for changing my perspective and ultimately my heart to become more like yours. Thank you also for your grace and love because it never runs out on me. And we both know I need a lot of it. Amen